/Users/andrea/_magisterarbeit/korpus/clean/testkorpus/35/file50.html NN ----------------------------------------- : Public JJ Library NN of IN Science NP Dictionary NP Thesaurus NN Medical NP Dictionary NP PubMed NP Drug NP Info NP Chats VVZ Photo NP Album NN BrainTalk NP Communities NNS Specific JJ Neurological JJ Conditions NNS M NP Z NP Self NP Injury NP Is VBZ this DT my PP$ CHOICE NN . SENT . SENT . SENT User NN Name NN Remember VV Me PP . SENT Password NN Register NP FAQ NP Members NP List NP Calendar NN vBChat NN Today's NP Posts VVZ Search NP Search NP Forums NNS Advanced NP Search NP Thread NN Tools NP Search NP this DT Thread NN Display NN Modes NNS 1 CD 09 CD 01 CD 2005 CD , , 05 CD . SENT 50 CD PM NP Ender NP New NP Community NP Member NP Join VV Date NN . SENT Jul NP 2005 NP Location NP . SENT The DT British NP Isles NP Posts VVZ . SENT 21 CD Is VBZ this DT my PP$ CHOICE NN . SENT . SENT . SENT One CD of IN my PP$ more JJR astute JJ friends NNS figured VVD out RP hmmm NN . SENT . SENT . SENT she PP has VHZ gotten VVN more RBR depressed JJ , , then RB she PP started VVD talking VVG about IN being VBG SUDDENLY RB REALLY RB REALLY RB DEPRESSED VVN , , then RB she PP started VVD to TO wear VV long JJ sleeves NNS , , and CC when WRB she PP started VVD to TO wear VV short JJ sleeves NNS again RB , , her PP$ arms NNS were VBD covered VVN in IN bracelets NNS that IN she PP never RB takes VVZ off RP . SENT . SENT . SENT . SENT hmmm NN . SENT . SENT . SENT . SENT . SENT . SENT . SENT and CC asked VVD me PP about IN it PP . SENT I PP dodged VVD the DT question NN a DT couple NN of IN times NNS , , but CC he PP was VBD persistent JJ . SENT . SENT . SENT and CC now RB I PP am VBP going VVG to TO be VB moving VVG in IN with IN the DT guy NN . SENT . SENT . SENT so RB I PP figured VVD I PP had VHD to TO tell VV him PP . SENT So RB I PP did VVD . SENT And CC added VVD my PP$ parents NNS will MD freak VV out RP if IN they PP see VVP . SENT I PP am VBP going VVG to TO visit VV my PP$ parents NNS next JJ at IN Christmas NP He PP said VVD They PP will MD heal VV Me PP Not RB if IN I PP keep VVP doing VVG it PP . SENT Him PP Well RB , , that's NNS a DT choice NN you'll NN have VHP to TO make VV , , isn't VVD it PP . SENT . SENT . SENT . SENT . SENT . SENT . SENT . SENT . SENT . SENT . SENT . SENT . SENT Me PP A DT choice NN . SENT Do VVP you PP think VVP I PP do VVP this DT for IN fun NN . SENT I PP don't VVD . SENT Do VV you PP think VVP I PP would MD hurt VV myself PP if IN I PP had VHD a DT choice NN . SENT I PP wouldn't VVD do VV this DT if IN there EX was VBD any DT other JJ way NN . SENT . SENT . SENT sometimes RB this DT is VBZ the DT only JJ thing NN that WDT helps VVZ . SENT . SENT . SENT . SENT . SENT Please VV don't NP think VV I'm NP a DT freak NN . SENT Him PP Well RB . SENT . SENT . SENT I PP don't VVD think VV you're NN a DT freak NN . SENT . SENT . SENT I PP guess VVP you're NN a DT bit NN odd JJ . SENT . SENT . SENT you PP know VVP how WRB all PDT those DT people NNS who WP are VBP brilliant JJ have VHP madness NN in IN them PP , , like IN artists NNS and CC inventors NNS and CC mathematicians NNS and CC stuff NN , , that WDT they PP say VVP are VBP mad JJ , , maybe RB you're NN like IN that DT . SENT . SENT . SENT . SENT . SENT HOW WRB is VBZ this DT helpful JJ . SENT . SENT . SENT . SENT But CC he's NNS right RB . SENT And CC now RB I PP am VBP going VVG to TO be VB living VVG with IN him PP , , and CC seeing VVG him PP everyday JJ , , and CC knowing VVG that IN he PP thinks VVZ I PP am VBP a DT crazy JJ freak NN . SENT And CC I PP am VBP going VVG to TO have VH to TO paste VV on IN a DT phony JJ smile NN and CC just RB pretend VV that DT everything NN is VBZ fine JJ , , and CC tell VV him PP that IN this DT was VBD just RB temporary JJ , , and CC I PP really RB am VBP fine JJ now RB , , and CC don't JJ worry NN , , because IN clearly RB I PP can't JJ count NN on IN him PP for IN SUPPORT NP . SENT He PP actually RB made VVD me PP want VVP to TO cut VV again RB . SENT I PP mean VVP , , I PP know VVP someone NN else JJ cannot NN make VV you PP cut VV , , but CC that DT discussion NN was VBD so RB upsetting VVG and CC so RB frustrating JJ and CC made VVD me PP feel VVP so RB upset JJ and CC freakish JJ and CC horrible JJ that IN when WRB I PP got VVD home NN I PP really RB really RB really RB wanted VVD to TO cut VV . SENT It PP is VBZ NOT RB supposed VVN to TO be VB like IN that DT . SENT Scars NNS are VBP souvenirs NNS you PP never RB lose VVP , , the DT past NN is VBZ never RB far RB . SENT Did VVD you PP lose VVP yourself PP somewhere RB out RB there RB . SENT Did VVD you PP get VVP to TO be VB a DT star NN . SENT Goo NP Goo NP Dolls NNS , , Name NN Ender NP View NP Public NP Profile NN Send VVP a DT private JJ message NN to TO Ender NP Find VVP all DT posts NNS by IN Ender NP Add VV Ender NP to TO Your PP$ Buddy NP List NP 2 CD 09 CD 02 CD 2005 CD , , 02 CD . SENT 51 CD PM NP SLH NP Distinguished VVD Community NP Member NP Join VV Date NN . SENT Mar NP 2004 NP Posts VVZ . SENT 156 CD Ender NP , , I PP really RB do VVP not RB know VV what WP to TO say VV right RB now RB . SENT I PP am VBP sending VVG you PP hugs NNS and CC understanding NN . SENT Take VV care NN , , and CC I PP hope VVP it PP gets VVZ better RBR . SENT Shauna NP SLH NP View NP Public NP Profile NN Send VVP a DT private JJ message NN to TO SLH NP Find VVP all DT posts NNS by IN SLH NP Add VV SLH NP to TO Your PP$ Buddy NP List NP 3 CD 09 CD 02 CD 2005 CD , , 10 CD . SENT 22 CD PM NP vulgerlove NN Distinguished VVD Community NP Member NP Join VV Date NN . SENT Oct NP 2004 NP Location NP . SENT Purgatory NN wisconsin NP Posts VVZ . SENT 228 CD Most JJS people NNS do VVP not RB understand VV self NN injuriers NNS . SENT Crazy JJ freak NN oppose VVP to TO normal JJ freak NN . SENT Why WRB are VBP you PP moving VVG in IN with IN him PP if IN you PP feel VVP you PP can't VVD get VV support NN for IN him PP , , sounds VVZ like IN you PP are VBP setting VVG yourself PP up RP . SENT Don't NP expect VVP people NNS to TO understand VV that DT don't NN do VVP it PP . SENT They PP never RB will MD get VV it PP . SENT Accept VV that IN and CC it PP will MD make VV things NNS easier JJR . SENT I PP think VVP that IN we PP can MD control VV this DT . SENT I PP was VBD a DT SIer NP for IN many JJ years NNS and CC had VHD the DT same JJ mentality NN . SENT That DT I NN couldn't NN quit VVD . SENT I PP was VBD right JJ . SENT I PP couldn't NN because IN I PP thought VVD that IN I PP couldn't NN . SENT It PP wasn't VVD until IN I PP made VVD the DT descion NN that IN I PP could MD stop VV is VBZ when WRB I PP did VVD stop VV . SENT Youare NP right RB no DT one NN can MD make VV you PP cut VV . SENT . SENT . SENT lol NN . SENT . SENT . SENT last JJ time NN I PP cut VVD I PP was VBD in IN the DT bathroom NN of IN my PP$ old JJ apartment NN listening VVG to TO my PP$ exfiance NN bicker NN at IN me PP through IN the DT door NN and CC I PP was VBD so RB frusturated VVN I PP felt VVD like IN a DT time NN bomb NN , , I PP didn't VVD know VV what WP to TO do VV , , so RB I PP cut VVD hoping VVG it PP would MD shut VV him PP up RP . SENT Irrational JJ . SENT The DT only JJ way NN you PP are VBP going VVG to TO stop VV cutting NN is VBZ to TO let VV yourself PP stop VV cutting VVG . SENT If IN I PP can MD quit VV , , I PP honestly RB believe VVP that DT anyone NN can MD because IN I PP , , well RB , , yeah RB , , anyone NN can MD if IN I PP can MD . SENT All RB you PP have VHP to TO do VV is VBZ be VB sick JJ of IN it PP and CC hurting VVG yourself PP for IN past JJ pain NN surfacing VVG in IN present JJ hurt NN and CC be VB strong JJ . SENT It's NP not RB easy JJ . SENT The DT urges VVZ eventually RB subside VV to TO not RB be VB a DT daily JJ thing NN . SENT It's NNS hard RB . SENT It's NNS comparable JJ to TO an DT alcholic NN or CC drug NN addict NN . SENT The DT pain NN is VBZ our PP$ drug NN . SENT We PP need VVP meetings NNS . SENT Reassurance NN . SENT People NNS who WP UNDERSTAND VVP . SENT Nothing NN bothers VVZ me PP more RBR than IN those DT who WP think VVP its PP$ stupid JJ , , or CC call VV us PP crazy JJ . SENT They PP don't VVD understand VV , , they PP never RB will MD understand VV and CC so RB I PP have VHP accepted VVN this DT and CC moved VVD on RP . SENT What WP am VBP I PP getting VVG out RP of IN this DT . SENT I PP ask VVP myself PP . SENT Nothing NN . SENT What WP are VBP you PP gettingout JJ of IN this DT . SENT Does VVZ it PP really RB release VV the DT pain NN , , or CC give VV an DT excuse NN to TO do VV it PP again RB . SENT Be VB nice JJ to TO yourself PP and CC take VV back RB your PP$ life NN . SENT You PP can MD do VV it PP . SENT If IN you PP need VVP me PP let VVP me PP know VVP I PP am VBP here RB , , I PP understand VVP and CC have VHP been VBN there RB , , done VVN that IN and CC am VBP in IN recovery NN LLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOVVVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEE NP EE NP Cynthia NP More RBR about IN me PP . SENT . SENT . SENT Journals NNS A DT Bleeding NN Soul NN My PP$ blog NN . SENT http NN . SENT vulgerlove NN . SENT blog NN . SENT com NN It PP is VBZ better JJR to TO be VB hated VVN for IN who WP you PP are VBP than IN loved VVN for IN what WP you PP are VBP not RB vulgerlove NN View NP Public NP Profile NN Send VVP a DT private JJ message NN to TO vulgerlove NN Send VV email NP to TO vulgerlove NN Visit NN vulgerlove's NNS homepage NN . SENT Find VV all DT posts NNS by IN vulgerlove NN Add VV vulgerlove NN to TO Your PP$ Buddy NP List NP 4 CD 09 CD 03 CD 2005 CD , , 12 CD . SENT 24 CD PM NP Ender NP New NP Community NP Member NP Join VV Date NN . SENT Jul NP 2005 NP Location NP . SENT The DT British NP Isles NP Posts VVZ . SENT 21 CD Thanks NNS for IN the DT replies NNS , , SLH NP and CC Vulgerlove NP . SENT Everyday JJ I PP get VVP up RP and CC say VV today NN I PP am VBP not RB going VVG to TO cut VV again RB . SENT Today NN is VBZ day NN 1 CD . SENT But CC then RB I PP do VVP . SENT I PP can't VVD help VV it PP . SENT The DT stuff NN in IN my PP$ head NN just RB gets VVZ too RB loud JJ , , it PP gets VVZ to TO be VB too RB much JJ , , and CC I PP have VHP to TO get VV my PP$ work NN done VVN , , and CC , , well RB , , I PP will MD spare VV you PP my PP$ insane JJ logic NN , , but CC anyway RB , , I PP do VVP cut NN . SENT And CC I PP think VVP that IN it PP helps VVZ . SENT I PP feel VVP like IN it PP does VVZ . SENT It PP is VBZ the DT ONLY JJ thing NN that WDT does VVZ . SENT And CC I PP really RB feel VVP like IN if IN it PP were VBD taken VVN away RB , , it PP would MD be VB the DT last JJ lifeline NN that IN I PP had VHD . SENT Like IN when WRB I PP was VBD at IN a DT Christian JJ camp NN a DT few JJ weeks NNS ago IN I PP tried VVD to TO get VV out RP of IN going VVG , , but CC I PP had VHD to TO go VV , , and CC we PP were VBD in IN communal JJ rooms NNS for IN sleeping NN , , and CC there EX was VBD NO DT privacy NN , , nowhere RB to TO go VV to TO cry VV for IN a DT few JJ hours NNS . SENT . SENT . SENT I PP could MD still RB go VV into IN the DT bathroom NN and CC cut NN , , and CC that DT was VBD the DT only JJ thing NN that WDT saved VVD me PP . SENT I PP was VBD so RB desperate JJ , , I PP thought VVD of IN . SENT . SENT . SENT anyway RB what WP saved VVD me PP was VBD that IN I PP could MD cut VV . SENT If IN there EX is VBZ nothing NN else RB to TO help VV , , and CC it PP continues VVZ being VBG this DT bad JJ , , then RB I PP am VBP never RB going VVG to TO be VB able JJ to TO stop VV . SENT I've NP actually RB decided VVD to TO switch VV from IN my PP$ arm NN which WDT causes VVZ problems NNS like IN this DT one NN to TO my PP$ hip NN , , which WDT no DT one NN can MD see VV . SENT Ever RB . SENT He PP will MD assume VV that IN I PP CHOSE VVD to TO stop VV , , which WDT he PP can MD assume VV if IN he PP wants VVZ , , I PP don't VVD care NN . SENT And CC no DT one NN will MD ever RB be VB in IN danger NN of IN seeing VVG or CC guessing VVG again RB , , because IN it PP will MD be VB completely RB hidden VVN . SENT Which WDT is VBZ what WP I PP would MD have VH done VVN in IN the DT first JJ place NN , , if IN it PP hadn't NNS been VBN an DT impulsive JJ thing NN to TO begin VV with IN . SENT Then RB I PP wouldn't VVD have VH this DT problem NN at IN all DT . SENT Now RB , , the DT quicker RBR the DT arm NN heals VVZ and CC I PP can MD prove VV to TO him PP that IN I'm NP fine NN , , the DT better RBR . SENT Scars NNS are VBP souvenirs NNS you PP never RB lose VVP , , the DT past NN is VBZ never RB far RB . SENT Did VVD you PP lose VVP yourself PP somewhere RB out RB there RB . SENT Did VVD you PP get VVP to TO be VB a DT star NN . SENT Goo NP Goo NP Dolls NNS , , Name NN Ender NP View NP Public NP Profile NN Send VVP a DT private JJ message NN to TO Ender NP Find VVP all DT posts NNS by IN Ender NP Add VV Ender NP to TO Your PP$ Buddy NP List NP 5 CD 09 CD 04 CD 2005 CD , , 03 CD . SENT 02 CD AM NP Rainytuesday NP Distinguished VVD Community NP Member NP Join VV Date NN . SENT Jan NP 2005 NP Location NP . SENT Somewhere RB Out IN There EX Posts VVZ . SENT 494 CD maybe RB . SENT . SENT . SENT Hi NP Ender NP , , I PP hate VVP it PP that IN you PP hurt VVP so RB much RB you PP feel VVP the DT need NN to TO cut VV . SENT I PP can MD understand VV that IN . SENT I PP never RB thought VVD about IN it PP this DT way NN until IN I PP read VVP this DT post NN and CC what WP your PP$ boyfriend NN said VVD . SENT Let VV me PP explain VV . SENT I PP am VBP a DT smoker NN . SENT A DT long JJ time NN smoker NN . SENT Nicotene NN and CC inhaling VVG that DT smoke NN has VHZ been VBN in IN my PP$ life NN since IN I PP was VBD 13 CD . SENT I PP HAVE VHP always RB considered VVN thiis NN addiction NN to TO be VB a DT choice NN . SENT Now RB that IN you PP mention VVP it PP , , the DT SI NP is VBZ a DT choice NN too RB . SENT See VV , , I PP always RB need VVP a DT cigarette NN . SENT when WRB things NNS get VVP bad JJ , , I PP get VVP angry JJ , , or CC what WP have VHP you PP . SENT It PP was VBD and CC continues VVZ to TO be VB my PP$ rebellion NN against IN life NN . SENT I PP know VVP how WRB bad JJ it PP is VBZ for IN me PP , , but CC when WRB I PP get VVP really RB ticked VVN or CC sad JJ , , I PP end VVP up RB frantic JJ if IN I PP can't VVD have VH access NN to TO my PP$ cigarettes NNS . SENT So RB , , yes UH . SENT . SENT . SENT I PP guess VVP it PP is VBZ a DT choice NN . SENT Just RB like IN every DT time NN I PP raise VVP a DT cig NN to TO my PP$ lips NNS and CC inhale VV I PP made VVD a DT choice NN . SENT So IN every DT time NN you PP go VVP to TO cut VV , , you PP make VVP a DT choice NN . SENT You PP CAN MD choose VV not RB too RB , , Ender NP . SENT What WP it PP amounts VVZ to IN is VBZ you PP have VHP to TO have VH the DT self NN confidence NN to TO know VV you PP CAN MD deal VV with IN life NN . SENT It PP is VBZ not RB fun NN , , nor CC fair JJ , , what WP some DT of IN us PP has VHZ to TO go VV through RP . SENT But CC we PP were VBD never RB given VVN a DT card NN that WDT said VVD if IN we PP weren't NN satisfied VVD we PP could MD return VV ourselves PP for IN a DT new JJ self NN . SENT We PP are VBP stuck VVN with IN all DT swe NNS are VBP . SENT I PP self NN injure VV by IN smoking NN . SENT Others NNS self NN injure VV by IN eating VVG . SENT Still RB others NNS are VBP more JJR of IN the DT normal JJ self NN injurers NNS and CC fit VV the DT definition NN by IN cutting VVG . SENT We PP all RB have VHP our PP$ reprieves NNS . SENT We PP have VHP to TO choose VV not RB to TO use VV them PP . SENT Yet RB , , I PP am VBP still RB smoking VVG after IN 25 CD years NNS . SENT I PP did VVD not RB smoke VV while IN pregnant JJ because IN my PP$ babies NNS would MD not RB be VB able JJ to TO make VV such PDT a DT choice NN . SENT Just RB a DT thought NN . SENT Hang VV in IN there RB . SENT I PP love VVP you PP . SENT Rainy JJ Good JJ night NN . SENT Catch VV you PP tomorrow NN . SENT The DT things NNS we PP do VVP in IN loving JJ kindness NN are VBP the DT only JJ things NNS we PP leave VVP behind RB . SENT Rainytuesday NP View NP Public NP Profile NN Send VVP a DT private JJ message NN to TO Rainytuesday NP Send VV email NP to TO Rainytuesday NP Find VVP all DT posts NNS by IN Rainytuesday NP Add VV Rainytuesday NP to TO Your PP$ Buddy NP List NP 6 CD 09 CD 04 CD 2005 CD , , 12 CD . SENT 43 CD PM NP Ender NP New NP Community NP Member NP Join VV Date NN . SENT Jul NP 2005 NP Location NP . SENT The DT British NP Isles NP Posts VVZ . SENT 21 CD THe DT thing NN is VBZ , , I PP feel VVP like IN it PP ISN'T NP my PP$ choice NN . SENT I PP started VVD the DT SI NP out RP of IN desperation NN I PP didn't VVD even RB know VV what WP I PP was VBD doing VVG . SENT I PP had VHD thought VVN of IN it PP lots NNS of IN times NNS before IN , , but CC had VHD always RB CHOSEN VVN to TO stop VV myself PP . SENT But CC the DT time NN I PP did VVD it PP , , I PP didn't VVD have VH the DT choice NN anymore RB . SENT But CC then RB I PP was VBD so RB terrified VVN , , I PP swore VVD I PP would MD never RB ever RB do VV it PP again RB . SENT And CC the DT second JJ time NN I PP did VVD it PP , , again RB , , I PP didn't VVD have VH the DT choice NN . SENT I PP was VBD having VHG flashbacks NNS , , and CC the DT only JJ way NN to TO not RB be VB in IN the DT parts NNS of IN my PP$ body NN I NN didn't NN want VVP to TO be VB in IN was VBD to TO feel VV pain NN somewhere RB else RB . SENT But CC I PP didn't VVD think VV about IN it PP like VVP that IN , , i NP just RB did VVD it PP . SENT It PP was VBD impulsive JJ . SENT It PP wasn't VVD logical JJ , , that WDT is VBZ why WRB it PP ended VVD up RP on IN my PP$ wrist NN , , and CC that DT is VBZ why WRB it PP was VBD with IN my PP$ own JJ fingernails NNS . SENT And CC I PP did VVD it PP in IN public NN , , like IN not RB in IN my PP$ own JJ room NN . SENT No DT one NN could MD tell VV what WP I PP was VBD doing VVG , , but RB . SENT . SENT . SENT Now RB it PP is VBZ different JJ . SENT Sometimes RB I PP still RB have VHP to TO do VV it PP desperately RB in IN public NN with IN my PP$ own JJ nails NNS , , but CC it PP also RB helps VVZ me PP calm VV down RP and CC focus VV so RB that IN I PP can MD carry VV on IN with IN normal JJ life NN . SENT Like IN when WRB the DT stuff NN in IN my PP$ head NN is VBZ just RB too RB much RB , , I PP can MD turn VV it PP into IN a DT physical JJ wound NN and CC deal NN with IN it PP that IN way NN , , at IN least JJS for IN awhile RB . SENT Otherwise RB I'll NP crack NN . SENT It PP helps VVZ . SENT It PP actually RB helps VVZ . SENT It PP is VBZ just RB about IN the DT only JJ thing NN that WDT DOES VVZ . SENT If IN I PP really RB had VHD a DT choice NN , , I PP mean VVP , , was VBD REALLY RB free JJ to TO choose VV , , then RB I PP would MD NOT RB CHOOSE VV to TO cut VV my PP$ own JJ flesh NN every DT day NN . SENT At IN least JJS when WRB a DT smoker NN started VVD , , it PP seemed VVD cool VV , , it PP was VBD something NN to TO do VV , , maybe RB it PP gets VVZ you PP more JJR breaks NNS at IN work NN well RB , , it PP does VVZ for IN some DT people NNS , , makes VVZ you PP a DT bit NN thinner JJR maybe RB . SENT . SENT . SENT whatever JJ . SENT Overeaters NP , , get VVP to TO eat VV more RBR good JJ stuff NN . SENT Undereaters NNS get VVP thinner JJR . SENT Cutters NNS . SENT Get VV messes NNS to TO clean VV up RP , , scars NNS to TO hide VV or CC explain VV to TO prying VVG eyes NNS , , friends NNS who WP now RB think VVP you're NN a DT freak NN , , infections NNS to TO prevent VV or CC care VV for IN . SENT . SENT . SENT the DT only JJ up IN sides NNS are VBP those DT it PP shares NNS with IN all PDT the DT other JJ addictive JJ behaviours NNS . SENT the DT high NN , , the DT comfort NN , , the DT buzz NN , , and CC the DT fact NN that IN you're NN wrecking VVG a DT body NN you PP prolly RB don't JJ care NN about RB , , or CC hate VVP , , anyway RB . SENT I PP can't VVD just RB choose VV to TO stop VV . SENT I PP wish VVP I PP could MD . SENT I've NP tried VVD . SENT Don't NP you PP think VVP I've NP tried VVD . SENT I PP told VVD a DT friend NN that IN I PP do VVP it PP , , hoping VVG that IN by IN telling VVG her PP I PP would MD be VB accountable JJ to TO someone NN , , and CC therefore RB less RBR likely JJ to TO do VV it PP . SENT Nope RB . SENT It PP feels VVZ like IN I'm NP being VBG told VVN that IN I PP have VHP the DT choice NN whether IN I PP am VBP depressed JJ or CC not RB . SENT I PP can MD CHOOSE VV to TO get VV up RP in IN the DT morning NN and CC decide VV to TO put VV on IN a DT happy JJ face NN that IN day NN , , and CC if IN I PP do VVP , , my PP$ feelings NNS will MD follow VV . SENT Well RB you PP know VV what WP . SENT That DT is VBZ BULLS NNS T NN . SENT Today NN , , I PP met VVD a DT friend NN in IN the DT morning NN for IN Church NP , , and CC we PP spent VVD the DT day NN shopping NN after IN that DT . SENT She PP doesn't VVD know VV anything NN about IN me PP being VBG down RB , , because IN she PP only RB ever RB sees VVZ my PP$ perfect JJ Ender NP face NN that WDT bakes VVZ cookies NNS and CC organizes VVZ all PDT the DT fundraisers NNS and CC makes VVZ sure JJ everyone NN is VBZ where WRB they PP are VBP supposed VVN to TO be VB , , all RB while IN singing VVG songs NNS . SENT So RB I PP had VHD to TO put VV on IN my PP$ happy JJ face NN today NN . SENT And CC it PP was VBD on IN all DT day NN long RB . SENT And CC I PP just RB spaced VVD out RP through IN most JJS of IN the DT day NN , , and CC followed VVD her PP around RP , , thinking VVG how WRB everyone NN around IN me PP looked VVD so RB happy JJ , , and CC why WRB couldn't NN I PP be VB that DT happy JJ . SENT And CC now RB I PP am VBP so RB exhausted VVN and CC I PP am VBP about RB to TO burst NN into IN tears NNS . SENT Where WRB is VBZ the DT CHOICE NN in IN that DT . SENT I PP CHOSE VVD not RB to TO stay VV home NN and CC just RB spend VV the DT day NN lying VVG in IN bed NN which WDT is VBZ what WP I PP really RB felt VVD like IN doing VVG but CC to TO paste VV on IN a DT smile NN and CC go VV out RP and CC do VV things NNS which WDT is VBZ what WP , , in IN theory NN , , a DT happy JJ person NN SHOULD MD be VB doing VVG . SENT . SENT . SENT but CC I PP only RB feel VVP MORE RB depressed JJ for IN my PP$ trouble NN , , not RB LESS JJR . SENT I PP just RB feel VVP so RB helpless JJ . SENT No DT one NN will MD help VV me PP , , so RB I PP try VVP to TO help VV myself PP and CC they PP tell VVP me PP that IN I'm NP doing VVG bad JJ things NNS and CC wrong JJ and CC sin NN . SENT They PP tell VVP me PP I PP must MD stop VV and CC that IN it PP is VBZ my PP$ own JJ fault NN that IN I PP am VBP so RB awful JJ . SENT I PP know VVP I PP am VBP awful JJ , , but CC I PP can't VVD stop VV , , yet CC they PP insist VVP I PP must MD . SENT I PP just RB don't VVD know VV what WP to TO do VV or CC where WRB to TO turn VV . SENT . SENT . SENT Sorry RB for IN the DT ramble NN and CC the DT rampage NN . SENT I PP am VBP just RB at IN the DT end NN of IN my PP$ rope NN . SENT Scars NNS are VBP souvenirs NNS you PP never RB lose VVP , , the DT past NN is VBZ never RB far RB . SENT Did VVD you PP lose VVP yourself PP somewhere RB out RB there RB . SENT Did VVD you PP get VVP to TO be VB a DT star NN . SENT Goo NP Goo NP Dolls NNS , , Name NN Ender NP View NP Public NP Profile NN Send VVP a DT private JJ message NN to TO Ender NP Find VVP all DT posts NNS by IN Ender NP Add VV Ender NP to TO Your PP$ Buddy NP List NP 7 CD 09 CD 06 CD 2005 CD , , 01 CD . SENT 05 CD AM NP Rainytuesday NP Distinguished VVD Community NP Member NP Join VV Date NN . SENT Jan NP 2005 NP Location NP . SENT Somewhere RB Out IN There EX Posts VVZ . SENT 494 CD . SENT . SENT well UH . SENT . SENT . SENT . SENT Hey NP girl NN . SENT Sorry RB if IN I PP caused VVD you PP to TO feel VV as RB if IN you PP were VBD under IN the DT gun NN . SENT I PP didn't VVD mean VV to TO . SENT Some DT of IN my PP$ alters VVZ are NN not RB quite RB as RB good JJ as IN saying VVG things NNS in IN ways NNS that WDT do VVP not RB harm VV . SENT Please UH forgive VV me PP if IN I PP made VVD you PP hurt VVD more JJR . SENT I PP really RB didn't VVD mean VV to TO . SENT Just RB for IN record NN sake NN , , I PP smoke VVP when WRB I PP am VBP angry JJ . SENT It PP has VHZ evolved VVN into IN a DT habit NN all RB of IN the DT time NN , , but CC my PP$ dad NN kicked VVD the DT bucket NN when WRB I PP was VBD 13 CD and CC I PP was VBD pi NN ed NP off IN at IN the DT world NN and CC cancer NN . SENT . SENT . SENT what WP a DT rational JJ way NN to TO I'll NP show VV you PP , , huh NP . SENT Anyway RB , , it PP was VBD not RB cool JJ in IN my PP$ group NN of IN friends NNS . SENT Besides RB , , to TO me PP , , it PP didn't VVD matter VV what WP others NNS thought VVD . SENT Anyway RB , , back RB to TO more JJR important JJ stuff NN than IN my PP$ smoking NN . SENT I PP DO VVP understand VV how WRB you PP feel VVP . SENT Few JJ know VVP that IN I PP am VBP not RB the DT happy JJ little JJ Rainy JJ running NN around IN doing VVG much RB the DT same JJ as IN what WP you PP do VVP . SENT The DT MASK NN is VBZ what WP we PP have VHP created VVN . SENT It PP has VHZ been VBN more RBR solidified VVD in IN the DT past JJ week NN , , with IN hubby NN sick JJ of IN DID VVD and CC the DT alters VVZ and CC not RB wanting VVG to TO talk VV to TO them PP . SENT He PP wants VVZ it PP to TO just RB go VV away RB . SENT It PP is VBZ ironic JJ , , though RB . SENT He PP talks VVZ with IN more JJR of IN them PP now RB than IN he PP ever RB has VHZ . SENT but CC the DT voice NN is VBZ so RB close JJ to TO normal JJ that IN he PP doesn't JJ notice NN . SENT And CC here RB I PP thought VVD he PP was VBD the DT one CD person NN who WP knew VVD me PP . SENT Well RB , , so RB much RB for IN thought NN . SENT The DT fact NN of IN the DT matter NN is VBZ that IN there EX is VBZ no DT one NN . SENT There EX really RB isn't JJ . SENT The DT kids NNS are VBP sick JJ of IN it PP too RB . SENT I PP gotta VV take VV dog NN out RP . SENT Gonna VVG log NN out RP for IN now RB . SENT The DT things NNS we PP do VVP in IN loving JJ kindness NN are VBP the DT only JJ things NNS we PP leave VVP behind RB . 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SENT org NP Online JJ Patient NP Support NN Groups NNS for IN Neurology NN Archive NP Top NP Please VV click NN here RB if IN you PP would MD like VV to TO make VV a DT donationto NN support VV the DT continued JJ development NN and CC management NN of IN the DT BrainTalk NP Communities NNS . SENT Donations NNS are VBP fully RB tax NN deductible JJ . SENT Thank VV you PP . SENT Powered VVN by IN . SENT vBulletin NP Version NP 3 CD . SENT 0 CD . SENT 7 CD Copyright NN 2000 CD 2005 CD , , Jelsoft NP Enterprises NPS Ltd NP . SENT By IN accessing VVG this DT website NN , , you PP acknowledge VVP and CC agree VVP to TO the DT terms NNS of IN our PP$ Disclaimer NN and CC Privacy NN Policy NN as RB well RB as IN the DT BrainTalk NP Communities NNS Terms NNS of IN Service NP . SENT These DT forums NNS are VBP owned VVN and CC managed VVN by IN BrainTalk NP Communities NNS Inc NP . SENT , , a DT Massachusetts NP non JJ profit NN corporation NN operating NN as IN a DT public JJ charity NN . 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